I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."

Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.

Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.

(By John P. Read )

Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.

I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."

The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.

What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.

Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.

In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”

I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.

What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.

Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

"Little Boy Blue"

Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.

Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!

– Darren Sardelli

Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.

What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.

Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.

My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.

Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.

Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.

Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.

What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.

How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."

A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.

It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.

Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.

The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!

(Unknown)

"Slicing Salami"

The strangest, strange stranger I met in my life
was the man who made use of his nose like a knife.
He’d slice up salami, tomatoes, and cheese
at the tip of his nose with phenomenal ease.
He’d buy food in bulk at incredible prices
and then use his nose to reduce it to slices.
His wife ran away and I know that he’ll miss her.
The woman was frightened that one day he’d kiss her!

– Denise Rodgers

Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.

Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.

If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.

Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.

It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.

Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)

(Laura E. Richards)

Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.

Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.

I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.

Cold turkey was the only way to do it.

When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.

I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!

Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.