Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."

Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.

The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”

The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”

What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation

Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener

I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!

(Rob Carmack)

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

What happened when the turkey got into a fight?

He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"

There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.

– Michael Wise

I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.

What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.

What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.

There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.

Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.

There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.

What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.

Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.

A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.

(Dixon Lanier Merritt)

What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!

The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.

My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.

What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.

What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.

Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.

What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!

They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!

Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.

What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.

What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"

The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.

There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.

What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.

Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.

On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.

We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.

A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’

Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.

What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?

Turkey in suspense.

René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.

Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."