My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.

What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.

What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.

What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."

There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.

Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.

My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.

How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.

If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.

Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.

So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.

What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.

What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?

Groovy.

Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.

What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe

"Joker Grandpa"

Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.

At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.

Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.

Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.

The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."

The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.

“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”

That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.

Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)

Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans

What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.

You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.

Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.

"Simple Truths About Family"

Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.

Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.

Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.

Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.

Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.

– Kelly Roper

A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.

Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.

(Unknown)

"A Parent’s Prayer"

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,

Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

– David Axton

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.

Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.

It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.

What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.

Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.

What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.

I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."

If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.

A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.

An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.