Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.

Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.

(Judith Viorst)

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!

The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.

The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.

The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.

The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!

Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!

(Joanna Fuchs)

Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.

A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.

The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?

If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.

I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!

(Jan Allison)

Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.

Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!

Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"

I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.

What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?

The family dog’s nose.

My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."

What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"

Little Johnny: "Big hands!"

Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana

There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.

It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.

It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.

Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.

(Mary Oliver Rotman)

Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.

What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.

The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!

(Unknown)

There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.

There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.

Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.

Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.

What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.

(Martin Dejnicki)

What happened when the turkey got into a fight?

He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

The kids are rumbling and tumblin'

Grandpa's snoring and a grumbling.

The football teams are taking a knee,

On Grandma's big screen t.v.

The leaves outside are turning yellow

'Cause winter's coming to say hello.

The aunts are all fussin' in the kitchen,

Wait a minute, it must be Thanksgivin'!

Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.

A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."

Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.

What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.

My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”

What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"

My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!

Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.

My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.

I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.