Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.

What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"

I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.

Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.

I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(By Andrew Jefferson)

How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.

Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.

I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.

We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.

Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.

I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.

(Anonymous)

Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."

If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75

The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.

What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.

What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.

I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”

How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.

There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.

Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.

People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.

There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.

I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.

People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.

It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.

Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.

It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.

I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending

I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.

It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.

There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.

A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

My mother loves butter more than I do,

more than anyone. She pulls chunks off

the stick and eats it plain, explaining

cream spun around into butter!

- Elizabeth Alexander

Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”

It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.

I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.

What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.

If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.

(Unknown)

What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.

It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!

It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.