I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.

I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?

Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"

What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.

Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.

What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.

Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.

How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.

"Granny"

Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)

All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)

It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!

– Spike Milligan

There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.

Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.

“I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more--that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangn

The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.

There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'

An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.

Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.

Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.

Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.

What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.

Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.

God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.

What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"

It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.

I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?

What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.

If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?

A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking

I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"

"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"

"No it's because you're drinking my beer."

An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.

Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"

Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."

Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.

May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.

May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.

(Kevin Nishmas)

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.

It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.

I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.

You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.

There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?

A bird who can pluck itself.

"Have You Ever Seen"

Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?

Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?

Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?

A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’

My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!

What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.

What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!

My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.