What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!

There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'

“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright

I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.

World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.

Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?

- by Jeff Kyser

I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.

As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.

Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.

What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.

What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.

It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.

I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!

How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.

She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup

Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north

Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon

Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book

Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg

(Mike Gentile)

There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.

How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.

"Sweet Tooth Andy"

Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.

– Denise Rodgers

Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.

When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.

What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.

My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”

There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.

She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.

She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.

Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.

So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.

This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.

So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.

But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!

You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,

Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.

(Aaron M. Delao)

I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.

Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!

There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.

I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.

What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.

Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.

Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!

A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.

What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.

I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.

(John Williams)

It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.

Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"

Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.

It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.

Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.

Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.

My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.

Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.

That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!

It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.

Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!

Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)