There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.

"Front Row"

My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.

– Denise Rodgers

How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?

Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!

Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!

Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.

Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.

Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.

Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.

An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"

There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.

Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.

A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."

There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.

What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.

There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.

I hate being bipolar...
It's great!

It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.

What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.

There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.

What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.

Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.

What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training

The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.

Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.

I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!

I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."

I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.

Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.

How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.

Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.

What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.

It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."

There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.

I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!

For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.

My drinking team has a bowling problem.

I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!

Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.

SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.

What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?

They turn into blueberries.

There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.

My next door neighbor is a witch,
And she lives way down in a ditch.
Her clothing is a little strange,
Because she never wants to change.
She has a black robe and a black hat,
Green skin and a smelly black cat.
A big fat wart grows on her nose,
And seventeen pimples on her toes.

But...her food is EVEN worse,
Because she eats it course by course.
Her first course is seven dead bats,
Laid on top of seven rats.
Then she has twenty flies
With lots and lots of llama eyes.
Her main course is a horrible soup,
Because it's made with doggie poop.
But worst of all is her dessert.
It's little children rolled in dirt.

Last night she had a witch's feast
And turned into a greedy beast.
I think she cooked my best friend Tilly
And ate her with some peas and broccoli.

- by Samiya Vallee

What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!

What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.

Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.

It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.

If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.