It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.

Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.

It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel

Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.

So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....

I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.

There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.

Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you

(Anonymous)

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.

Bark bark bark
Let me get up to see
It appears my dog is summoning me
Bark Bark Bark
That old familiar sound
As I peer out the window
With my loud mouthed hound
Bark Bark Bark
Looking in the distance I finally see
Why she’s been barking at me
Bark Bark Bark
There’s a leaf in the yard
And it’s blowing away
This is how we’ll spend
Most of our day

There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.

Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too

I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?

Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.

It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.

I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."

I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.

What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.

Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.

What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.

"Did You Notice"

Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.

"Dear Brother of Mine"

Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.

There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.

I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.

But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.

Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.

The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!

(Unknown)

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.

Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.

A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.

Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.

I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!

(Unknown)

The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.

It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.

"Bee"

A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.

¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!

– Denise Rodgers

Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.

What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."

A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"

If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.

What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.

Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".

What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.

There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.

What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?

If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.