What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.

What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...

If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny

Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?

- Paul Curtis

"Messy Room"

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!

– Shel Silverstein

A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."

"And that?"

"Kitchen gun."

Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.

Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.

"The Upside-Down World"

I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;

And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;

And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.

– Hamish Hendry

“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert

What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.

Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?

What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.

I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.

It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.

I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.

(Martin Dejnicki)

How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.

"Dear Brother of Mine"

Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.

There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.

I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.

But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.

Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.

Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.

Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!

It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.

Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."

There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.

It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.

What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?

What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.

When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"

- Gail DeBole

Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.

Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.

A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia

I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"

You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.

You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer

You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.

But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.

I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.

"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."

As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.

If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...

It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.

Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!

Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”

Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.

If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.