I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.

Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!

Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards

What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.

How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.

I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.

Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!

And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!

- Max Scratchamnn

Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.

When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.

- Jim Slaughter

When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.

What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.

You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.

What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.

It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.

An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"

It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.

What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.

What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.

It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.

I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."

Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!

How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.

If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.

What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?

They turn into blueberries.

"My Eyes"

My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."

It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.

A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”

If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.

Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.

Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."

I hate being bipolar...
It's great!

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.

Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.

I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.

There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.

The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.

My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/

There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president