Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!
- Denise Rodgers
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"
Dracula: "You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-"
Son: "They do the mash."
Dracula: *nodding* "They do the monster mash."
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"
Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.
She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.
One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.
So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
"Aerodynamic Mishap"
I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!
I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.
But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!
My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!
– Gareth Lancaster
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.