There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.

Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.

Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."

There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.

What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"

I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally

What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.

When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.

When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.

After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.

“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"

Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.

I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."

Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.

What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?

Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.

There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.

I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.

"Who’s In?"

“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”

– Elizabeth Fleming

There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.

A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”

“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”

It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.

There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'

It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.

My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.

You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.

(Unknown)

I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.

The kids are rumbling and tumblin'

Grandpa's snoring and a grumbling.

The football teams are taking a knee,

On Grandma's big screen t.v.

The leaves outside are turning yellow

'Cause winter's coming to say hello.

The aunts are all fussin' in the kitchen,

Wait a minute, it must be Thanksgivin'!

My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.

It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!

What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.

There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin

Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!

Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!

Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.

Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.

"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.