How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.

Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.

My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.

The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.

You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.

Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.

(Kevin Nishmas)

R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.

Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?

What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!

What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.

What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.

My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.

It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.

There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.

My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.

Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.

What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!

Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.

To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”

(John Dryden)

How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.

What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.

It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.

What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.

What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.

Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.

What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.

Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.

It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!

Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.

Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.

Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.

My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.

What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.

A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.

It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.

It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.

How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.

Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.

There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.

A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"

I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?