"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."

Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.

Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?

Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg

What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.

Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"

Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?

What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.

This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition

What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.

What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.

It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!

When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving

If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.

What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.

Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.

Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.

Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.

What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.

How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”

I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!

"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"

I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.

– Judith Viorst

Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?

There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!

It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)

My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”

A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"

One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."

I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."

Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.

Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions

What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.

Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.

Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.

There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.

What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.

What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?

If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!

It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.

What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.

If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.

Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?

There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.

A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”

Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.

How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.

"The Theoretic Turtle"

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

– Amos R. Wells