Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
A Poem by a Cat
I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
Go to BabaMail
