When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.
Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
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