Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,

“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”

When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”

There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!

It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.

The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!

"I Can Rise And Shine"

I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!

What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.

What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.

"Joker Grandpa"

Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.

At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.

Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.

What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.

It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.

What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.

There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.

It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.

Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.

What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.

A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.

A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.

"Have You Ever Seen"

Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?

Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?

Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?

I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”

How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.

I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.

Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money

It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.

Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they

Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.

Source: Wikipedia

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.

What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"

My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.

Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.

-Opportunist

There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.

A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.

“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”

“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.

“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”

When’s your birthday?

July 23rd.

What year?

Every year.

Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.

What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?

He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.

The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.

If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.

Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.

Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?

There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.

How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.

How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.

Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.