I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.
Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!
- Sarah Ziman
There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
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