There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'

How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.

What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.

Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.

The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.

The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.

I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?

What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."

If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”

Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?

- by Jeff Kyser

When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money

Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.

You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.

Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.

Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.

(E.B White)

You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.

A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."

Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.

What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.

There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.

Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.

An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!

Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?

Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!

How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.

Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.

And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.

All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.

To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.

So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!

(By Pamela J. Langdon)

"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."

My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene

However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which

It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.

Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.

I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!

The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.

Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!

Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.

There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.

There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.