There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.
How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
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