At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was bad for me.
But now I kind of like it.
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
It's so cold that you have to break the smoke off your chimney.
According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
You know you’re getting old when…
happy hour is a nap.
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
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