After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.
He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!
- Denise Rodgers
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
"The Little Turtle"
There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.
He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.
He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.
– Vachel Lindsay
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"
And optimist says "sure they can!"
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
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