Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!
It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
"My Missing Shoe"
I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
You know what they say? Words.
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
"The Centipede"
I'm glad I'm not a real boy
With proper feet like you.
Imagine if I had to put
A foot in every shoe.
For when I'd got each foot inside
And every lace tied tight,
I'd have to take them off again
To go to bed at night.
– May Fenn
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
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