If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?

Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.

What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

"Crabby"

I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.

If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.

– Barbara Vance

"Halfway Down"

Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.

Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!

– A. A. Milne

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.

I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...

Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.

- Natasha Niemi

There once was a colour named orange,

...Damnit.

Busy Cat

I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming

What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.

I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.

It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."

If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.

If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?

Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.

An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.

I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.

It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.

A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.

What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.

Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!

All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!

What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.

It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.

There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.

There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.

A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"

How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!

Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!

Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.

Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

"The Legs Are Last To Go"

Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know

“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”

She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show

The legs are last to go

The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go

Her legs were last to go.


– Mike Gentile

Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.

How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.

I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.

A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”

We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”

“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”

Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.

Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.

A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."

Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"