Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.

There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.

Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!

How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”

Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.

Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?

What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.

In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.

A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.

There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"

So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."

So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"

So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."

My mother loves butter more than I do,

more than anyone. She pulls chunks off

the stick and eats it plain, explaining

cream spun around into butter!

- Elizabeth Alexander

I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.

Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"

I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."

Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.

Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.

My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.

Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.

If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75

This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.

A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.

Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.

A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’

There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.

What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.

There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.

René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.

It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.

What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"

My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”

My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.

Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)

What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.

What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.

Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.

The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.

You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.

There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.

Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.

Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!