I hate being bipolar...
It's great!

If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.

I think, therefore I’m single.

This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.

His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.

As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.

For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.

- Max Scratchman

Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.

Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.

The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.

"My Eyes"

My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.

What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...

If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.

A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.

A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!

You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.

How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.

Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!

For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail

"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."

People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.

There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.

"Whenever I See"

Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.

Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.

You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.

I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.

It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.

What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.

Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?

Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.

"The Legs Are Last To Go"

Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know

“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”

She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show

The legs are last to go

The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go

Her legs were last to go.


– Mike Gentile

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.

Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.

The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!

Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.

As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.

So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.

But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!

- Denise Rodgers

Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.

An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".

What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.

A guy walks into the doctor's office. A banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a plum stuck in one nostril. The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?" The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."

My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.

I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!

A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.

The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!

(Unknown)

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.

I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper

"Standing on a Chair"

I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!

You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.

I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.

I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!

– Steve Hanson

I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.

Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.