What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.
He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?
- Paul Curtis
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
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