A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.

If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.

If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."

"Fun"

I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.

– Leroy F. Jackson

It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.

It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."

I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending

I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.

My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.

When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!

Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.

GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.

BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.

GF - April fools day!

BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.

The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape

Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.

- Patrick Winstanley

A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)

A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.

“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”

“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.

“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”

It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.

A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"

It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.

My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.

There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.

Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!

Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.

It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!

If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.

Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.

Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.

"Glow Worm"

Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!

– Taylor Russell

"Dog and Pony Show"

Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!

– Denise Rodgers

It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.

When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.

How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.

What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"

Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."

A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."

Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected

My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"

What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.

An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"

There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.

All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)

In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.

I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.

There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.

My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.