My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.

There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.

Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.

You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.

The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.

What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.

A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”

So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!

Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.

On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor

Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply

I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming

In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'

Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?

- by Jenna Logan

Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow

What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.

It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.

The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.

Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.

I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.

Cold turkey was the only way to do it.

What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.

What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?

Turkey in suspense.

I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!

I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!

Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?

(Laura Loo)

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"

Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.

Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.

I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.

He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"

I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.

They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.

Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.

He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .

That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.

- Diane Lefebvre

There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.

What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.

I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.

Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.

The ocean is big,
And also it is pretty,
Pretty freakin' wet.

How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?

Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.

I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?

What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.

What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"

It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.

My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”

Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.

Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.

There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.

What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?