Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.

My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.

Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.

Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.

A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking

I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"

"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"

"No it's because you're drinking my beer."

If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.

"The Centipede"

I'm glad I'm not a real boy
With proper feet like you.
Imagine if I had to put
A foot in every shoe.
For when I'd got each foot inside
And every lace tied tight,
I'd have to take them off again
To go to bed at night.

– May Fenn

I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.

The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.

What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.

People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

"I Have a Little Frog"

I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!

I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."

Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.

A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."

A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.

Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.

It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.

What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.

If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.

There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.

What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.

This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.

Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.

What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?

Turkey in suspense.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.

Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.

Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.

A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users

All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)

A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

There’s been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman’s spouse.
He’d just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He’d never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
”Who could have done this terrible thing?”
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
”Just look at the clues,” replied Sargeant Miller.
”It looks like the work of a cereal killer.” (Albert Van Hoogmoed)

Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.

There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.

Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.

Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.

What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.

The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.

My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "