How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.

What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.

A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"

It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!

A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”

“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”

“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”

Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you

Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.

There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.

It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.

What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.

These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.

It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.

- Janice Canerdy

Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.

They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.

I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.

Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.

There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.

Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.

(E.B White)

Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.

There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!

What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

"Family Likeness"

"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."

But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.

– Alison Jean Thomas

Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.

Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.

I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?

What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.

I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!

What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.

A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."

What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?

He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.

Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.

It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.

It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.

A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.

What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.

There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.

It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.

Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.

Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.

It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back

What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.

What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.

A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.

What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"

And optimist says "sure they can!"

What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe