What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.