What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
"Night Noises"
My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.
It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.
A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!
At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."
– Alan Balter
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.
What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.
“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”
“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!
(Robert Graves)
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!