Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.
If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.
If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.
If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.
All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.
(By Beryl L Edmonds)
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
"Crabby"
I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.
If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.
– Barbara Vance
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.