What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.

Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.

What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?

Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.

Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.

What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.

At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.

"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.

Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.

But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.

(Kevin Nishmas)

How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.

There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22

Bark bark bark
Let me get up to see
It appears my dog is summoning me
Bark Bark Bark
That old familiar sound
As I peer out the window
With my loud mouthed hound
Bark Bark Bark
Looking in the distance I finally see
Why she’s been barking at me
Bark Bark Bark
There’s a leaf in the yard
And it’s blowing away
This is how we’ll spend
Most of our day

I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.

They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.

When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.

They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.

(By Jessica Miles)

Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?

Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.

It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!

Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”

The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.

If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.

What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.

It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.

After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.

What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.

On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor

Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply

I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming

In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'

Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?

- by Jenna Logan

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."

When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."

What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.

(Julie Hebert)

Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.

- Natasha Niemi

A hard thing about a business is minding your own.

My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

"The Theoretic Turtle"

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

– Amos R. Wells

A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.

There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.

"I Can Rise And Shine"

I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!

Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.

My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!

What’s black, white and red?

A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.