Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.

When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.

It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.

It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.

- Natasha Niemi

My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…

“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”

What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.

So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"

I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.

Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.

"Grandparent Rap"

It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."

So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!

Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.

Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.

There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.

What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.

What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.

Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time

There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.

Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.

How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!

(Unknown)

What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.

How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.

There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.

Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.

It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.

"My Handprints"

My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."

It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.

My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."

There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.

Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.

I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.

Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.

There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"

So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."

So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"

So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."

What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.

What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.

What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.

My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!

I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.

When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?

At Pranksgiving.

There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!

How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.

Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.

There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.

Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.

Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?

“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973