If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.

How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.

Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.

It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!

One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.

My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.

My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.

Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.

Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.

You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.

My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.

(Unknown)

There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.

What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?

How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.

I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)

Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.

How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.

It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.

I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!

(Susanna Rose)

Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.

Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.

Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.

At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."

I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”

It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.

What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.

"Standing on a Chair"

I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!

You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.

I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.

I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!

– Steve Hanson

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.

C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."

- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!

"Granny"

Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)

All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)

It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!

– Spike Milligan

What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!

A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”

Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”

What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.

"Tom Tigercat"

Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.

Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.

– J. Patrick Lewis

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.

It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.

Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.