Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.

Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.

The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.

Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.

There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.

And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.

But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h

What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe

Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!

There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.

Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.

Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.

Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.

Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.

(M. Tarun Prasad)

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.

My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.

There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.

I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.

What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.

Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

"Aerodynamic Mishap"

I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!

I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.

But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!

My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!

– Gareth Lancaster

Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.

What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack

What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.

What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.

If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.

In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.

A Poem by a Cat

I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.

If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.

Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"

Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.

It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.

What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.

Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

"A Knotty Problem"

A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?

– Patrick Winstanley

What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.

I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?

This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.