Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!
- Sarah Ziman
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
"My Doggy Ate My Essay"
My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.
He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.
I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.
He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.
I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”
– Darren Sardelli
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
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