Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.

Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?

Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.

My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!

Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!

...

People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!

(Charles E. Carryl)

A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”

What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.

There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.

What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins

This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.

It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.

(Kevin Nishmas)

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”

Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.

The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.

But they did get a tan. A puritan.

Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.

It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.

Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.

Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.

What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.

Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.

It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.

How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.

An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.

Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.

A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"

Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.

It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.

What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.

It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!

A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’

There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.

My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.

There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!

I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!

What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.

It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.

A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

"Unsatisfied Yearning"

Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,

In order to get out.

Once in the glittering starlight.

He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.

In order to get in.

– R.K. Munkittrick

What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!

It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”

All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!

(Larry Huggins)