Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.

If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.

How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"

It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.

What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!

When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!

(Santhini Govindan)

Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"

Constipated people don’t give a crap.

It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.

"Grandparents' Advice"

Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!

– Mary R. Hurley

It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.

Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.

If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.

(Unknown)

How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.

Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.

Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)

My Little Chocolate Mess

Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.

Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!

In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!

(Darlene Gifford)

Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.

Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana

If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?

There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"

Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.

It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.

If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.

When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.

How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.

I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?

What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!

It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.

I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.

It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.

It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.

Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.

In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.

If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.

The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.

Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.

Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.

Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?

Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.

There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.

It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.

I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.

Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.

I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!

(Unknown)

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.

What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.

There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"