"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."

Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.

I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."

There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.

A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."

I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.

Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.

What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?

Fast food.

What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.

Why did the cow cross the road?
So he could go to the MOO-vies.

I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.

There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.

What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.

It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.

I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.

How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.

I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.

I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.

An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.

Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"

Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."

What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...

It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.

My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.

What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".

Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.

When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?

At Pranksgiving.

It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.

What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.

"My Cat Is Fat"

I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.

Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.

So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.

– James McDonald

What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.

I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.

Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.

A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.

Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.

Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?

It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.

How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.

Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.

If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.

Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.

If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.

Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.

There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.

There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.

As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.

Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!

(Ilene Bauer)

How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.

There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.