Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.

I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."

I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.

Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night

From hells realm
Making me take flight

I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer

And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser

Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits

They were no defence
Against evil spirits

- Paul Curtis

Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.

(Theodore Higgingsworth)

The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

"Simple Truths About Family"

Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.

Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.

Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.

Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.

Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.

– Kelly Roper

A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.

"Standing on a Chair"

I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!

You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.

I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.

I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!

– Steve Hanson

It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.

I only lost 2 pounds while taking laxatives for a colonoscopy.
I guess I'm not as full of crap as I thought.

How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?

When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.

What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.

It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.

Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”

Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.

Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.

Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.

What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.

Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'

My drinking team has a bowling problem.

When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.

What is sticky and brown? A stick!

It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.

Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.

What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.

Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.

There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.

An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."

Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.

(E.B White)

Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.

It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.

There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.

When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)

We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

“I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more--that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangn

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.

What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.

Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.

What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.

Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.

What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.