Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.

Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?

(Justin Worthy)

It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.

I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.

There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.

A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."

Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.

(Ray Gridley)

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.

What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?

Turkey in suspense.

How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.

"Now We Are Six"

When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.

– A.A. Milne

A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.

How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”

What is sticky and brown? A stick!

So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"

I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.

No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.

What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.

Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.

A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.

There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'

I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.

What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.

Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.

That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted

After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.

What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”

An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.

Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"

Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."

There was an Old Man of Leghorn,
The smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapped up he
Was once by a puppy,
Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.

Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.

Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.

I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.

Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!

Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.


(Kevin Nishmas)

There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin

How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.

Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!

You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!

You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!

They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!

Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!

Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!

(Fiazio)

Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."