Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.

Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move

There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.

“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"

Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too

How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.

If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.

Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.

Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese

Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better

Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.

(Camryn Noell)

Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.

There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?

What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.

Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.

If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...

What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)

What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”

Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.

What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.

Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.

Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.

You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.

Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”

There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.

There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.

"Grandparents' Advice"

Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!

– Mary R. Hurley

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.

Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.

There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.

Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!

A hard thing about a business is minding your own.

A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."

What is sticky and brown? A stick!

What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.

When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.

There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.

The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!

(Unknown)

I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.

I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.

However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.

(Sarah Allen)

It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.

Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.

The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!

Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.

As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.

So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.

But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!

- Denise Rodgers

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you

If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.

There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!

It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.

How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.