When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.
(Anthony Gallagher)
May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.
May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
"The Legs Are Last To Go"
Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know
“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”
She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show
The legs are last to go
The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go
Her legs were last to go.
– Mike Gentile
"I Can Rise And Shine"
I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
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