My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.

Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.

This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."

I think, therefore I’m single.

I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."

What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.

When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving

Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.

Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?

Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.

Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.

What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.

“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”

“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!

(Robert Graves)

What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!

Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.

After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.

Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.

Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.

My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."

What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.

Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.

Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!

(Catherine Pulsifer)

When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...

Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.

Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.

Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.

Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?

Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.

I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.

What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"

How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”

If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.

(By Steve Mckee)

My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "

“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”

That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.

Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?

There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'

It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.

There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.

How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.

Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.

I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(Andrew Jefferson)

I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.

There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.

Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.

Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.

Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'

What makes music on your head?
A headband.

There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.

Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.

I hate being bipolar...
It's great!

Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.

The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.

What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.