What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."
Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."
And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."
(Martin Gardner)
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
"Crabby"
I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.
If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.
– Barbara Vance
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
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