A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.
(Ray Gridley)
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.
(Judith Viorst)
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.
Wife: "I'm pregnant."
Me: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No you're not."
Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’
- Julie Anna Douglas
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
Go to BabaMail
