An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?
If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
Why did the cow cross the road?
So he could go to the MOO-vies.
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
"Unsatisfied Yearning"
Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,
In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight.
He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.
In order to get in.
– R.K. Munkittrick
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make
Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.
Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.
Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.
(Joanna Davis)
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
"Bee and Bee"
The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower
As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.
– Patrick Winstanley
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.
There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.
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