April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.

Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.

The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?

In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.

A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’

A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia

If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.

I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.

I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!

Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.

Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.

Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!

GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.

BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.

GF - April fools day!

BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."

Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!

You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!

You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!

They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!

Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!

Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!

(Fiazio)

There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.

There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.

If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.

You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.

My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.

The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”

What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”

My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.

Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.

There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.

Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.

I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.

John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.

Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!

This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.

(By Abimbola T. Alabi)

My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener

I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!

(Rob Carmack)

A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.

Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.

"God. I KNEW this would happen!"

It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.

There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.

(William Robinson)

What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."

What makes music on your head?
A headband.

I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.

They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.

And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.

All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.

To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.

So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!

(By Pamela J. Langdon)

We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.

It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.

If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?

What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!

Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"

Dracula: "You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-"

Son: "They do the mash."

Dracula: *nodding* "They do the monster mash."

I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!

"Glow Worm"

Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!

– Taylor Russell

Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.

What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.

A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.