Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
When I'm old and mankey.
I'll never use a hanky.
I'll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
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