Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.

One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.

What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.

"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"

Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."

Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.

A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.

Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.

It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!

Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.

An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.

Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”

What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.

It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.

I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.

I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane

(Anonymous)

There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.

I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.

How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.

Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!

What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.

How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."

"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."

"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."

She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."

"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"

The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.

Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!

Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.

Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.

I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.

There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.

Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.

Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.

- Kim Merryman

You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away

(Anonymous)

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.

Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.

Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.

As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.

You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!

There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.