Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.

Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”

Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?

How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.

Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"

How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The invisible hand does it.

What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.

I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.

Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.

What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.

"Bed in Summer"

In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.

I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.

And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?

– Robert Louis Stevenson

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.

There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.

Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”

Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.

What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.

I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"

A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”

“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”

What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.

There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.

Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.

Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.

I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.

I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.

There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"

So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."

So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"

So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."

There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...

Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.

Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.

I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play

What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.

A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"

To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”

(John Dryden)

Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.

Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.

My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.

Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese

Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better

Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.

(Camryn Noell)

It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.

Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.

Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"

What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training

Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you

Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.

You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?

Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.

(Unknown)