What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.

This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.

How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)

Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.

The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.

My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”

It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.

"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."

Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.

There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'

Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.

"Dear Brother of Mine"

Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.

There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.

I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.

But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.

Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.

There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.

How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.

Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.

There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.

It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.

If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.

If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.

If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.

All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.

(By Beryl L Edmonds)

Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."

"The Porcupine"

Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.

– Ogden Nash

I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”

What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.

A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."

What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.

There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.

What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese

Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better

Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.

(Camryn Noell)

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.

I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!

A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.

It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.

I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."

There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.

Happy birthday!

(Kevin Nishmas)

What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.

It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.

Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."

When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.

What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.

Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.

Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."