Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)

My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.

Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.

I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"

How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.

A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.

You know what they say? Words.

What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.

Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.

What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.

Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.

What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.

It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.

Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?

It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.

Cold turkey was the only way to do it.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.

It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.

Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.

What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.

A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’

- Julie Anna Douglas

There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.

An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.

How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.

A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.

If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.

There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.

It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.

There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.

“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"

Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson

Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.

"Did You Notice"

Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.

Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?

(Taylor Russell)

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.

If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training

There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.

One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."

When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"

- Gail DeBole

Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you

How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.