The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!

A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users

How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.

A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.

What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.

Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!

Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.

My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.

Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.

It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.

Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?

Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.

Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh

(Anonymous)

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!

"The Fly"

God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.

– Ogden Nash

When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.

What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.

Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”

Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!

Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.

A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.

(Anonymous)

I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."

There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.

It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.

"If I Were In Charge Of The World"

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.

If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.

If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.

If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.

– Judith Viorst

Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!

Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.

Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?

Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.

There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.

April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.

When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond

“Yes”

“Oui”

“Si”

“Ja”

There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.

Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.

What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.

Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.

Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.

There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.