There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
"Bee and Bee"
The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower
As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.
– Patrick Winstanley
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
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