What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing

For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail

Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

Constipated people don’t give a crap.

How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.

It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.

What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?

A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.

All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!

(Larry Huggins)

My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.

Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?

I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.

(Barry Stebbings)

What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.

There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed

In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn

He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate

In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved

As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided

What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score

Now one hundred and forty-nine years

Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.

A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”

Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.

Why did the cow cross the road?
So he could go to the MOO-vies.

There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.

Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.

Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.

What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?

Thanksgiving breakfast.

It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.

I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!

I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!

Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?

(Laura Loo)

What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.

What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"

Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
fussy squawking
seagulls talking...
Waddle walking
pavement patter-
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?

Birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
Angry fussing
birds discussing
seagull cussing
“Hey, I want some!”
birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”

(Rhona McFerran)

It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.

Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.

It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you

How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.

The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.

A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"

World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.

When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)

Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.

Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.

My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.

How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.

It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.