Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
"Halfway Down"
Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.
Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!
– A. A. Milne
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
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