Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death
Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up
And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear
Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!
Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!
(By Rick W. Cotton)
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
A physics teacher writes a question on a board:
"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"
A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:
"In a foster home."
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
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