A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users

My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.

What has a neck but no head?
A bass.

How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The invisible hand does it.

I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.

There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.

You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.

What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.

When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.

It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."

Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.

There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.

What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.

What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.

Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."

Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!

- Sarah Ziman

You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.

You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer

You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.

But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.

I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!

A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’

There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.

My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"

A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.

"It was me, you have a problem with that?"

"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."

When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.

It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.

Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.

There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.

There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.

There once was a colour named orange,

...Damnit.

A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”

Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,

“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”

What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."

Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.

What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.

After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.

It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.

Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.

It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.

Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.

My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.

My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”

I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.

I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.

However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.

(Sarah Allen)

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!

It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.

Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.