Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
"Slicing Salami"
The strangest, strange stranger I met in my life
was the man who made use of his nose like a knife.
He’d slice up salami, tomatoes, and cheese
at the tip of his nose with phenomenal ease.
He’d buy food in bulk at incredible prices
and then use his nose to reduce it to slices.
His wife ran away and I know that he’ll miss her.
The woman was frightened that one day he’d kiss her!
– Denise Rodgers
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
Why did the wolf take so long to cross the road?
It was pretending to be a snail.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?
Good restaurant reservations.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
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