Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
“Father”
My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.
– Edgar Albert Guest
"Fun Grandpa"
My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.
Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.
A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.
I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
(Lycia Harding)
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
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