What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
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