I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.
(Unknown)
May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.
May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.
(Kevin Nishmas)
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison
"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
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