Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.

Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.

Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!

(Kristin Frederick)

As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.

It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.

There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.

What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.

It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.

Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.

What’s black, white and red?

A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.

Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.

There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.

What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.

I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.

What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.

My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!

It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.

Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.

There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.

It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”

My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.

What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.

If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.

(By Steve Mckee)

Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.

It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!

How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.

What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.

It’s so hot the best parking place is determined by the shade instead of the distance.

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.

It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.

When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.

Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.

A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”

Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.

What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.

My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.

What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?

They turn into blueberries.

One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

"Did You Notice"

Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.

What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!

Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?

My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.

Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.

Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.