I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"

Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?

(Justin Worthy)

Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.

Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.

Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.

(Shel Silverstein)

What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.

I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)

I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.

He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.

I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.

His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...

I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.

(By Christian M. Mitewu)

Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.

Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.

When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.

"Fun"

I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.

– Leroy F. Jackson

What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing

My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"

A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.

"It was me, you have a problem with that?"

"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."

Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.

Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.

I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.

I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.

“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.

And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!

Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.

I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!

(Ilene Bauer)

It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.

There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.

If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.

A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?

- Jim Slaughter

Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.

What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?

Thanksgiving breakfast.

I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.

Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.

It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.

My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.

Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.

The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape

Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.

- Patrick Winstanley

Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.

Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.

If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.

Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!

There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.

It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.

Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

There once was a colour named orange,

...Damnit.

An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"

When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.

When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.

Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!

There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.