A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
The weather is so bad here, the husband cannot stop looking through the window.
If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.
It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.
I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.
(Martin Dejnicki)
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter!
- Elizabeth Alexander
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
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