The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.

My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.

If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.

What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.

"Simple Truths About Family"

Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.

Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.

Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.

Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.

Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.

– Kelly Roper

Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.

A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.

Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.

Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.

Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)

Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.

It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."

When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."

I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.

It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.

A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.

My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.

A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.

Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.

Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.

Bark bark bark
Let me get up to see
It appears my dog is summoning me
Bark Bark Bark
That old familiar sound
As I peer out the window
With my loud mouthed hound
Bark Bark Bark
Looking in the distance I finally see
Why she’s been barking at me
Bark Bark Bark
There’s a leaf in the yard
And it’s blowing away
This is how we’ll spend
Most of our day

I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.

Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.

What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.

Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.

My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"

You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.

A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”

"Trouble"

Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.

– David Keppel

What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.

My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.

GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.

BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.

GF - April fools day!

BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.

What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.

You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away

(Anonymous)

I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.

Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.

"Arithmetic"

Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.

– Judith Viorst

Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"

Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!

Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn

Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!