Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.

C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."

A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.

Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.

It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.

There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.

It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.

There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.

This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."

Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.

The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.

There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.

My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."

My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.

Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.

A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.

My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!

(Unknown)

Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?

There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally

What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.

What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat

(Colleen Laforme)

What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.

"Did You Notice"

Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.

A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"

Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they

Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.

Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.

A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.

After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.



“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”

Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.

What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!

"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"

I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!

– Emily Dickinson

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.

“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.

That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.

Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”

Knock knock!

Who’s there?

Tamara.

Tamara who?

Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!