What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"

Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!

What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.

Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.

Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.

"Snowball"

I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.

I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.

– Shel Silverstein

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.

Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.

A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No

Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.

What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.

It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)

When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.

I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!

Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.

-Opportunist

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.

Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.

I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play

A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.

What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.

I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.

(John Williams)

Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!

I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.

There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.

I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!

Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"

Little Johnny: "Big hands!"

The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.

Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.

Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.

What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.

Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!

It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.

It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.

Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.

Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."

Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."

"Grandparent Rap"

It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."

So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!

Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.

Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.

Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!