I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.

There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.

Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine

You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell

I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat

(Jan Allison)

It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally

It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty

We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash

The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs

Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape

But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.


- Paul Curtis

As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.

What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?

"Family Likeness"

"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."

But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.

– Alison Jean Thomas

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.

How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.

The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.

I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.

A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.

It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.

It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.

"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."

The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.

Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read

If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you

(Horst Winkler)

The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition

I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.

It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.

Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!

Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.

- Kim Merryman

The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.

What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.

What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.

It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)

Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body.
Men are so polite, they only look at the other 10%.

Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.

It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.

How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.

What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.

What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"

Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie

What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.

"I Hate Peanut Butter"

These words I say without a stutter:
I hate the taste of peanut butter!
In Reese's chocolate it may stay
But keep the butter far away.
It leaves a lump inside my belly,
It's even worse when paired with jelly!
I hate its texture, hate its smell;
If I go near it, I'm unwell.
My family tells me I'm dramatic
But against PB I stay emphatic.
If you're craving butter thick,
You might as well just eat the stick,
Or wear it as a winter coat
But keep it furthest from your throat!
Last time I ate it, things went south;
My tongue got glued inside my mouth!
If you include it in my lunch,
I'll very likely throw a punch.
I'd gladly eat a Brussels sprout
But keep the peanut butter out!

– Innarenko

It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.

Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.

If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.

I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”

"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"

What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.

Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.