If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
"Slicing Salami"
The strangest, strange stranger I met in my life
was the man who made use of his nose like a knife.
He’d slice up salami, tomatoes, and cheese
at the tip of his nose with phenomenal ease.
He’d buy food in bulk at incredible prices
and then use his nose to reduce it to slices.
His wife ran away and I know that he’ll miss her.
The woman was frightened that one day he’d kiss her!
– Denise Rodgers
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.
(Judith Viorst)
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