Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.

Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"

Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.

oses are red, violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter, and so are you.

Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.

My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”

Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.

The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."

There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.

You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.

There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.

I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)

My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.

On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.

We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.

All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!

(Larry Huggins)

I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.

What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.

There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.

Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’

- Julie Anna Douglas

If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.

What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids?

If your father were to see you now, he would be turning over in his gravy!

Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.

What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light

What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.

The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.

The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.

The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.

The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!

Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!

(Joanna Fuchs)

Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!

Dear Dog

You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose

What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.

How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.

What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.

How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.

There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...

How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!

"Whenever I See"

Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.

"Arithmetic"

Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.

– Judith Viorst

What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?

Groovy.

How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.

A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”

How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.

Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.

- Natasha Niemi

Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.

If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.

Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.