I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Damn.

Let me kiss you.

(Unknown)

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.

There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.

What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you

What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.

It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.

I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.

Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.

To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”

(John Dryden)

Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!

Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.

Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.

Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.

An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.

Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.

Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.

Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.

(Shel Silverstein)

Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.

There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.

There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.

As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.

Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!

(Ilene Bauer)

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.

It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.

There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.

Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.

Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.

A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.

My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)

Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.

There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.

Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.

99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.

Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.

My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.

There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.

I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.

Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.

Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.

Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.

It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.

Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?

There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'

Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.