It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"

My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.

Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.

My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.

It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.

I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.

Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow

Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

What did the turkey say before he was roasted?

“OK, spare me no insults!"

How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.

Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.

It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!

Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.

What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.

How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.

It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.

What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"

If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.

But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.

And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.

Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.

- Catherine Pulsifer

When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.

I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.

“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.

And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!

Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.

I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!

(Ilene Bauer)

What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.

What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.

(Unknown)

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.

What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.

What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.

My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.

He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!

- Denise Rodgers

Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.

Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.

A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”

"Now We Are Six"

When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.

– A.A. Milne

Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)

Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.

There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.

A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"

A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.

My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.

What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?

The family dog’s nose.

Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”

I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.

I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.

Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)