Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!
- Sarah Ziman
A Poem by a Cat
I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe
(Anonymous)
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
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