There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
oses are red, violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter, and so are you.
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"
And optimist says "sure they can!"
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
I have inner beauty.
And I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
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