It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.

A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."

There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.

It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.

A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.

Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.

It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.

"The Theoretic Turtle"

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

– Amos R. Wells

Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.

There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.

After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.

My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.

A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”

What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.

"Diaper Alert"

My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.

Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!

No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.

A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.

What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!

– Running Wolves

If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.

There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.

What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.

There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.

Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow

So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....

I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.

Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.

Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.

I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.

What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.

If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond

“Yes”

“Oui”

“Si”

“Ja”

Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.

I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.

Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”

Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”

Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.

Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!

What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?

Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.

Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.

Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male

Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea

Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!

It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.

I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.

Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh

(Anonymous)