Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"

There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.

How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.

If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.

Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?

It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.

Knock knock.
Come in.

There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.

She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.

She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.

Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.

So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.

This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.

So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.

But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!

You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,

Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.

(Aaron M. Delao)

Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."

There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.

Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.

There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.

What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.

I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.

It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!

Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!

There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.

Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks

On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.

"Dust"

The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!

– P. A. Ropess

"My Shadow"

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.

– Robert Louis Stevenson

"My Cat Is Fat"

I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.

Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.

So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.

– James McDonald

Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.

My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”

There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.

Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!

Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.

How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.

I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''

Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''

''Open the bloody bag!''

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.

What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.

Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!

Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!

...

People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!

(Charles E. Carryl)

What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?

Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.

Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!

Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.

Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.

Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!

(Catherine Pulsifer)

What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.

What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.