It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.
I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
Go to BabaMail
