I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
Knock knock.
Come in.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!
You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.
He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!
- Denise Rodgers
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
I hate being bipolar...
It's great!
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
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