Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)

What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.

Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.

Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”

Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.

(Theodore Higgingsworth)

What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.

It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.

Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.

When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?

What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.

How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.

I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.

A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.

There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.

I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.

A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.

What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.

It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.

What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.

This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.

Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”

What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist

Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.

Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.

Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.

My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.

Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.

Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.

Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.

What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana

There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"

So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."

So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"

So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.

But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"

Little Johnny: "Big hands!"

GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.

BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.

GF - April fools day!

BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.

What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”

When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.

I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.

There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!

A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.