There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
Why did the cow cross the road?
So he could go to the MOO-vies.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
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