How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!

Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.

Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.

"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"

When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.

No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.

We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.

She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.

– Kenn Nesbitt

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea

How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.

Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?

Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.

What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack

I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows

(Anonymous)

"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"

There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.

– Michael Wise

Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!

Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.

(Kevin Nishmas)

"Have You Ever Seen"

Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?

Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?

Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?

Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.

A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”

My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!

(Unknown)

Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.

It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.

Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.

What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"

Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.

When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?

It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.

Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.

For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!

(William Cole)

If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.

Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.

Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."

Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!

There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.

There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.

Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.

When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.

A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.

“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”

“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.

“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”

Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.

It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.

What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.

Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.

Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?

It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.

There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.

What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.

A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.

"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"

Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?

“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.

I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.

– Denise Rodgers

Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.