How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?
- Paul Curtis
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.
- Paul Curtis
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.
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