"The Attraction of Levitation"

“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;

“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.

“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;

“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.

“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”

– H. G. Paine

What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.

It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.

Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!

You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!

You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!

They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!

Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!

Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!

(Fiazio)

A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.

A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."

Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.

I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."

I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.

If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?

Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.

I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."

I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!

Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.

"I’m Going to Be Famous"

I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!

– Steve Hanson

A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”

A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?

There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.

Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.

If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.

Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.

It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.

What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.

What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"

It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.

It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.

Chuck Norris can hear sign language.

What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.

Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.

How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.

Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.

I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.

It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.

Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.

Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.

Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"

What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.

A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.

My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.

One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..

There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.

There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.

And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.

But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h

What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"

What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?

"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."