How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.
"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.
He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.
I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.
His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...
I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.
(By Christian M. Mitewu)
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
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