I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.

"Fun"

I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.

– Leroy F. Jackson

Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.

What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.

Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.

What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.

I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)

What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.

(Unknown)

There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.

It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.

My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)

Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.

What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.

How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.

Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.

Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?

Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you

(Anonymous)

"Put Up With Me"

I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!

– Holly Giffers

There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.

I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.

(Gelett Burgess)

It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.

Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.

I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.

"Room with a View"

I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.

One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.

– Stephen Swinburne

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.

What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.

I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.

"Mosquito At My Ear"

Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?

– Kobayashi Issa

Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.

R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.

April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.

If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.

But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.

And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.

Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.

- Catherine Pulsifer

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.

How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.

Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you

(Anonymous)

A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.

How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.

There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’

I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.

I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!

The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”

When’s your birthday?

July 23rd.

What year?

Every year.

"Did You Notice"

Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.

My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.