What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)
It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”
It’s so cold pet stores sell hamsters, gerbils, and penguins.
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.
(Kevin Nishmas)
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....
I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
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