Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?

There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.

She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.

She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.

Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.

So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.

This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.

So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.

But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!

You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,

Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.

(Aaron M. Delao)

There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'

Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.

(Unknown)

I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.

You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."

Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."

And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."

(Martin Gardner)

Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise

They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent

These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort

They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more

I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis

The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.

Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.

What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.

Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!

I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."

Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.

She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup

Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north

Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon

Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book

Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg

(Mike Gentile)

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.

"Little Boy Blue"

Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.

Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!

– Darren Sardelli

As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."

The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”

Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.

What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.

On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."

I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”

It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.

Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.

here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.

It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.

How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.

What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?

The family dog’s nose.

It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.

How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!

What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.

Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."

Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!

What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.

A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.

Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.

What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.

Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.

What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!

It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.