A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?

No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.

Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.

What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.

There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.

What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.

Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.

She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!

Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.

There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.

There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.

Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!

What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.

Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.

I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”

I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Damn.

Let me kiss you.

(Unknown)

"Daddy Neck Stretchers"

A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!


Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.

Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.

I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!

Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.

Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.

– Darlene Gifford

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.

There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"

Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.

The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!

Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.

As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.

So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.

But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!

- Denise Rodgers

Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.

Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.

Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.

I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.

My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.

There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.

What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.

How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.

Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.

There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.

Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.

How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.

How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.

How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.

There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.

A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.

What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.

Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.