What’s black, white and red?

A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.

Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.

There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"

So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."

So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"

So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."

Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.

Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.

What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.

What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!

What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.

"Simple Truths About Family"

Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.

Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.

Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.

Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.

Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.

– Kelly Roper

You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.

(Unknown)

Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.

"The Crocodile"

How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!

– Lewis Carroll

There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.

There was an Old Person of Dutton,
Whose head was as small as a button,
So, to make it look big,
He purchased a wig,
And rapidly rushed about Dutton.

If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.

What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.

What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.

I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!

I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!

Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?

(Laura Loo)

You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.

Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.

It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.

My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.

Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.

Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.

My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/

Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.

A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.

What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"

Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.

Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.

I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."

Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.

Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.

(By John P. Read )

There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.

You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe

(Anonymous)

Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.

Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.

It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.

Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?

Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.

What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot

Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.

Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”

Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?

Answer: Peach gobbler!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.