It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
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