What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.

My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.

(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.

What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.

A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.

I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.

What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.

Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.

Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks

When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.

As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."

They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.

And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.

All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.

To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.

So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!

(By Pamela J. Langdon)

There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.

A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)

My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.

What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?

There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.

Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.

(Ogden Nash)

"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"

Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.

The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.

Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!

Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.

My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.

Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."

– Graham Craven

Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.

Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese

Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better

Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.

(Camryn Noell)

Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?

Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.

I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."

A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"

Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.

There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.

"Nobel Prize for Mothers"

Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.

Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!

And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!

You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!

There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.

My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.

What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?

They turn into blueberries.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.

I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane

(Anonymous)

I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.

What did the turkey say before he was roasted?

“OK, spare me no insults!"

What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.

Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.

What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.

Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.

There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.

What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...

It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.