A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

"Room with a View"

I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.

One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.

– Stephen Swinburne

Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.

I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!

Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.

Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.

Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.

Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.

My mother loves butter more than I do,

more than anyone. She pulls chunks off

the stick and eats it plain, explaining

cream spun around into butter!

- Elizabeth Alexander

I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.

It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.

It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”

Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"

A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."

There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.

How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.

An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.

The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.

The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.

The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.

The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!

Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!

(Joanna Fuchs)

How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.

How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.

What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.

Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.

Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.

You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.

Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.

It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.

One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."

This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.

My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.

Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.

Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.

A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.

"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"

"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.

"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'

"So here I am."

What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.

I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows

(Anonymous)

Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.

"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.