Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
"Glow Worm"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.
He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!
- Denise Rodgers
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.
(Anonymous)
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
"Daddy Neck Stretchers"
A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!
Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.
Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.
I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!
Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.
Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.
– Darlene Gifford
A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?
- Jim Slaughter
"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
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