I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?
their, there, they're.
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
fussy squawking
seagulls talking...
Waddle walking
pavement patter-
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
Birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
Angry fussing
birds discussing
seagull cussing
“Hey, I want some!”
birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
(Rhona McFerran)
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
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