What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?

Turkey.

Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.

What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.

They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.

When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.

They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.

(Jessica Miles)

There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!

My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”

A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.

He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."

Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”

A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"

What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.

Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.

What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!

A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.

Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.

Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.

There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.

"Bee and Bee"

The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower

As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.

– Patrick Winstanley

What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack

It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"

I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.

My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.

How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.

If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.

What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.

There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.

(By Faaizah)

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.

My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.

Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.

You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.

It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.

The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.

The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.

Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.

There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.

Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.

Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."

I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.

Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.

I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(By Andrew Jefferson)

Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.