It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
"My Dog"
My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.
His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.
He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.
I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!
– Steve Hanson
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
The kids are rumbling and tumblin'
Grandpa's snoring and a grumbling.
The football teams are taking a knee,
On Grandma's big screen t.v.
The leaves outside are turning yellow
'Cause winter's coming to say hello.
The aunts are all fussin' in the kitchen,
Wait a minute, it must be Thanksgivin'!
Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Damn.
Let me kiss you.
(Unknown)
If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
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