I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.

My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!

(Unknown)

I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.

Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*

Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.

Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.

"Joker Grandpa"

Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.

At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.

Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.

My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.

When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.

Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male

Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.

"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."

What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.

When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.

- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!

Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.

The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!

It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.

What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!

What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.

Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.

What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.

Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.

I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.

John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.

Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!

This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.

(By Abimbola T. Alabi)

I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.

Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.

It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.

Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!

"My Eyes"

My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.

When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.

There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!

Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.

It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.

Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.

This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."

A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."

Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.

What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"

Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.

It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.

- Natasha Niemi

There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.

What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training

What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."

A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.

You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.