You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.

Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?

He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.

"Bee"

A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.

¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!

– Denise Rodgers

It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.

Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!

There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.

But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!

A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.

It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.

There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’

My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.

It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.

Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

What has a neck but no head?
A bass.

It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.

It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.

A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”

Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.

- Kim Merryman

What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.

It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.

Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.

If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.

(Unknown)

The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.

Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.

It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.

"Sweet Treat Dream"

If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.

We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.

Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.

Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.

But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!

– Gillian M. Ward

Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!

Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.

There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"

Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.

What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.

It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.

Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.

It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.

When’s your birthday?

July 23rd.

What year?

Every year.

"Put Up With Me"

I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!

– Holly Giffers

It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.

Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.

Source: Wikipedia

At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was bad for me.
But now I kind of like it.

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No

What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!

It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.