Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
A young gourmet dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, Don't shout,
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too.
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?
(Justin Worthy)
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!
- Sarah Ziman
An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
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