If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.
He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!
- Denise Rodgers
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
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