A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!
If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
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