It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?
- Paul Curtis
It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.
Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?
My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!
A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
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