There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
It’s so cold we have to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our clothes!
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)
I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!
(William Cole)
After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
(Laura E. Richards)
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