How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.

April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana

What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?

He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.

Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!

- Sarah Ziman

Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.

There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.

Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.

My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.

It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.

How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."

What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.

I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you

I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.

There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)

It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!

What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.

Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!

There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.

It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.

Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!

After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”

Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'

Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.

Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.

It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.

What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.

It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.

Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.

Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.

There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.

There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.

Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.

Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.

Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!

(Catherine Pulsifer)

“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973

Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.

Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.

I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.

I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.

I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.

My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.

I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.

I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.

(Unknown)

What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"

When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.