Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!
(Unknown)
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"
In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.
I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.
Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.
Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!
- Denise Rodgers
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
"Trouble"
Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.
– David Keppel
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
Programmer:
A machine that turns coffee into code.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
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