Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
Bark bark bark
Let me get up to see
It appears my dog is summoning me
Bark Bark Bark
That old familiar sound
As I peer out the window
With my loud mouthed hound
Bark Bark Bark
Looking in the distance I finally see
Why she’s been barking at me
Bark Bark Bark
There’s a leaf in the yard
And it’s blowing away
This is how we’ll spend
Most of our day
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!
I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!
Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?
(Laura Loo)
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.
It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.
I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.
(Martin Dejnicki)
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
fussy squawking
seagulls talking...
Waddle walking
pavement patter-
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
Birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
Angry fussing
birds discussing
seagull cussing
“Hey, I want some!”
birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
(Rhona McFerran)
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
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