A Poem by a Cat

I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.

SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.

A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"

Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!

Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!

Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.

An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.

Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup

Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north

Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon

Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book

Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg

(Mike Gentile)

After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.

There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.

There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.

As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.

Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!

(Ilene Bauer)

Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!

Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.

A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.

Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."

My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."

A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"

What has a neck but no head?
A bass.

When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.

Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.

What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.

These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.

It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.

- Janice Canerdy

An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.

Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!

What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins

There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.

There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.

If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.

As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.

Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.

My drinking team has a bowling problem.

How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.

I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.

Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.

Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.

There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.

I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."

Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.

My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."

There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.

While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.

Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.

He was delicious!!

(Shel Silverstein)

“Father”

My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.

– Edgar Albert Guest

Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.

How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!

There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.

Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.

Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.

- Kim Merryman