There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.

What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.

At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was bad for me.
But now I kind of like it.

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.

Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.

"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."

If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”

"Fun Grandpa"

My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.

Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.

A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.

Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.

Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."

There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.

Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!

Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!

...

People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!

(Charles E. Carryl)

It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.

"Grandparent Rap"

It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."

So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!

Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.

Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.

Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!

It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty

We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash

The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs

Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape

But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.


- Paul Curtis

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store

You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.

It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.

How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.

It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!

When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.

Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.

Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.

What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.

I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.

I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''

Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''

''Open the bloody bag!''

I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.

It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.

I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.

How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.

What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.

Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!

There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.

I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.

Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.

Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.

What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.

(Martin Dejnicki)

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!

The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.

Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"