God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted
"Simple Truths About Family"
Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.
Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.
Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.
Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.
Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.
– Kelly Roper
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
What’s the difference between a knife and an argumentative man?
A knife has a point.
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
"Little Boy Blue"
Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.
Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!
– Darren Sardelli
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''
Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''
''Open the bloody bag!''
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
"Diaper Alert"
My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.
Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!
No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.
A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.
What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!
– Running Wolves
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