What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"
Dracula: "You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-"
Son: "They do the mash."
Dracula: *nodding* "They do the monster mash."
My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.
"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"
Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?
“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.
I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.
– Denise Rodgers
There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.
- Natasha Niemi
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.
What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
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