Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?
Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.
But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.
So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.
Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!
- Denise Rodgers
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”