I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!

It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”

In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.

Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.

They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.

How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!

What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.

Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.

(Mary Oliver Rotman)

Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.

(Unknown)

Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.

It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.

There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'

How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.

A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"

My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.

When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.

Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.

I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.

He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.

I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.

His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...

I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.

(By Christian M. Mitewu)

Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.

Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.

My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.

(Unknown)

A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.

Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.

After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.



“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”

The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.

“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright

Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.

It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.

This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.

I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.

(Unknown)

What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.

"I Can Rise And Shine"

I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!

There are some things that you just cannot say with a straight face.
"I am having a stroke" is one that comes to mind.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.

It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.

Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.

What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.

My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.

You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.

You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.

I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.

(Kenneth J. Miller)

How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!

(Unknown)

What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?

He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.

That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!